Posts Tagged 'Agony uncle'

A near-death experience and made-up fluff

The author of the definitive biography of Canadian prog-rockers Rush is featured in this post! It doesn't get better than this, you're thinking.

Three weeks without a post! You must have been worried sick. Turns out I wasn’t crawling across the floor, desperately to reach the keyboard to tap out one last post before the horrific injuries inflicted by a deranged stalker finally did for me. I was doing my University exams, thanks for asking, which were arguably less fun.

The curse of antitalknormalism pursued me even in the musty corridors of the University of London. As one of my lecturers warned me: “In macroeconomics the answers aren’t hard. It’s trying to work out what they’ve asked you that’s the problem.” The second bit of that statement, at least, turned out to be true.

I’ve got a couple of posts ready for this week. Meanwhile, there’s time to answer the question asked by analyst and part-time Renaissance man Jon Collins, rock biographer (five stars on Amazon) and managing director of Freeform Dynamics:

No, Jon, I don’t make the graphs up.

The numbers are always real. Whenever there’s data and I haven’t told you where it is from, I found it by searching Factiva.com and sticking it into a spreadsheet.

On a personal level Mr Collins is both my webcast buddy and was voted the world’s second-best analyst (and the best in Europe) by a jury of his peers, so when he questions my rigour it is naturally hurtful. I’m only partially mollified when he tells me Talk Normal is his second favourite blog, because his favourite is the one where someone writes down what her husband says when he’s asleep, and I checked and she doesn’t have a single bar chart. But, being British, I’m keeping all this negative emotion inside so the bitterness can spill out inappropriately when I’m drunk.

Here’s another thing that might appear to have been made up for a joke. It’s a pygmy jerboa: an animal that looks as if the zoo ran out of fluff half way through inventing it.

All onboard

A metaphorical howl of despair echoes across the internet as far as the Talk Normal inbox from Mr C of South London, whose identity I am protecting for obvious reasons:

We are in the process of being “onboarded” as a supplier by a well known IT brand. The people concerned have used this term constantly as a verb, adjective and noun in the last 48 hours. For them it is obviously normal.

Well, Mr C, the abuse you are suffering is thankfully still rare, but we should not be complacent. Though deliberate onboarding is still used only by a small number of companies, that number is shooting up. There are more onboarders living and working among us than ever; the most sickening aspect is that, for them, it’s completely normal. Look:

That’s spectacular growth for a word that has no obvious reason to exist, and which I can’t find mentioned at all until 1998. Before 2002, there is one mention of the word for every 10 million published articles in the Factiva database.

The growth is mostly from the sector that Factiva calls talent management, which is one of those phrases, like “fresh frozen”, where the first word is put there to make impressionable people feel super happy. The talent management sector produces press releases about onboarding with headlines like:

Fortune 100 Companies Will Unite at Peopleclick Authoria Global Client Conference to Discuss Business and HR Trends

Note the use of unite, which tries to make a sales conference sound like a protest rally (“What do we want? Onboarding! When do we want it? On receipt of satisfactory references!”).

I’ve even found some mentions of offboarding in the last couple of years. As a weasel-word for “sacking” or “making redundant” it has limitations: imagine calling the victim into your office to explain tactfully that you’re offboarding him, and then having to explain what you just said.

I’ll give a mug to the first firm of supply chain analysts that has the brass neck to try to sell a report about the trend towards hyperonboarding™. But I must be careful what I wish for.

Meanwhile for you, Mr C, it’s a Jordan Boob Dilemma moment in South London. Do you allow yourself to be onboarded in silence, in the knowledge that those who thoughtlessly onboard you today may onboard literally thousands of suppliers in the future? Or do you refuse to be a part of a procurement system that does this to innocent young businesspeople like yourself? It’s probably too late to save Mr C. But we must take a stand.


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